


Bad is Happy

by Hhhhonestlyidk



Series: in which bad has depression and skeppy loves him more than anything [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, bad has depression, skeppy loves bad more than anything, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28222929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hhhhonestlyidk/pseuds/Hhhhonestlyidk
Summary: Bad is happy.He laughs, he sings, he smiles, and acts annoyed at Skeppy when he trolls him.Bad is happy.He smiles, laughs, makes dumb jokes and for a little while makes his viewers feel a little less alone. He appears as if everything is constantly alright and provides an escape from the world and all its struggles.Bad’s job is to be happy.
Relationships: skephalo - Relationship
Series: in which bad has depression and skeppy loves him more than anything [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998331
Comments: 17
Kudos: 287





	1. Bad is Happy

**Author's Note:**

> This is a ventfic writing it helped me calm down. I know reading stuff like this can be incredibly triggering but I also know when I’ve been bad reading stuff like this helps in a weird way. Yeah so that’s why it’s posted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is dark yeah suicide and stuff. Bad is not doing well mentally in this so be warned. Please be careful if you have depression and or suicidal thoughts. Please if you’re feeling like this call a friend or a therapist. And if need be there’s always the prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255. Please stay safe guys.

Bad is happy.

He laughs, he sings, he smiles, and acts annoyed when Skeppy trolls him.

Bad is happy.

He tells stories, he makes childish jokes, builds tree houses and creates a world in which there is nothing truly wrong.

Bad is happy.

He smiles, laughs, makes dumb jokes and for a little while makes his viewers feel a little less alone. He appears as if everything is constantly alright and provides an escape from the world and all its struggles.

Bad’s job is to be happy.

-

He doesn’t know when the emptiness truly started. He supposes it had always been there. But now the waves of sadness seemed all consuming as they washed over him until he could no longer leave his bed. Eating became a chore and showering a fleeting thought. The only reason he rose each day was for Rat.

He used to not be this bad. Before his laughs were, for the most part, real. His smiles were genuine. Now his laughs were stale and his smiles never quite reached his eyes.

He wonders if his viewers notice. He wonders if they see through their screen, through his mask of smiles and laughter.

He doubts it.

-

For all he feels inside he hardly ever cries. The pressure builds at his eyes but never comes out. It just builds and builds and builds constantly piling but never spilling.

It’s no surprise when he finally snaps.

In actuality it was just a tipping point. The words never cut deeply before. They were the same but on that day they hurt oh so much more. And it all flows out; all his tears fall in an untamable torrent. He chokes and wheezes as he cries unused to the sensation.

He tries to smile, tries to laugh, but try as he might the tears do not stop.

-

“I love you” He says with a smile. And he means it from the bottom of his heart. He loves all his fans. All of them, even the ones who ruthlessly spam his chat. He cares so deeply for these people he’ll never meet it hurts.

In the donations they pour their hearts out to him. They say how he’s helped them. They say how he makes them smile when everything goes wrong. His heart aches for their pain and wishes he could take it all away.

The least he can do is say those three short words. The three words that make you feel like you aren’t alone in the world.

Three words he wishes someone would say to him.

“I love you” he smiles and hopes it makes them feel a little less empty.

-

In a burst of energy, he cleans his house. He manically sweeps and scrubs everything in sight. He organizes stuff to give the charity, stuff to give to friends, and stuff that no one would want but him. Stuff that only belongs in the trash.

He digs through a pile of trophies and awards, relics from the time when he actually cared about shooting, placing each and every one into a black garbage bag. His hand hovers hesitantly over the barrel of his old shotgun.

He moves it to the small pile of things he actually keeps.

He gives almost everything away, he won't need it. All he’s left with was stuff for Rat, his mattress, his computer and the shotgun.

People ask why he stopped facecamming. With a laugh he says his house is a mess.

-

He lays on his mattress and stares up at the ceiling and comes to the realization he doesn’t know who he is. He smiles and laughs on camera. He tells stories and jokes.

But when alone he’s like this.

He hasn’t showered in days. He’s only left the house to walk Rat and buy groceries that he hardly eats. Most days he lays on the mattress and stares at the ceiling quietly wasting away. Day after day, he is filled with an unending emptiness which only disappears in sleep.

Bad turns over and tries to sleep once again.

-

He finds a nice old lady willing to adopt Rat. She has a big yard for Rat to play in and plenty of dog toys. She’ll make a wonderful home for the little dog.

A week later, he rings her doorbell Rat in his arms. Bad burrows his face into the little dog’s fur. With a sad smile, he tells Rat that he’s going away for a bit and to not worry. This lady would take good care of her. He tells her he loves her and that he’ll miss her so much. Rat licks the tears from his cheeks and Bad squeezes her close one last time.

The old lady finally opens the door. With a false smile Bad puts Rat into the old lady’s waiting arms.

-

He stares at the ceiling, body as still as a corpse. His head is spinning, thinking of everything and nothing at all. He feels the need to cry but still nothing comes out. It’s all too much and not enough.

He turns slightly, glancing at the computer he hardly uses. He hasn’t been online on days. Everyone probably forgot him by now. That’s how the internet was. He smiles softly. Good. He didn’t want to be remembered.

He glances at the shotgun in the corner.

-

He picks up one the few pens he has and brings its tip to paper. He hesitates. Despite how much he’s imagined this in his mind, no words seem to come. He writes slowly and carefully, reading and rereading, crumpling up pages and starting again. It takes him hours to find the right words to convey how he feels. Hours more to make sure that it’s free of grammatical errors and tear stains. He needs to make sure people know it was no one’s fault but his own. It was nothing anyone did, it was just the monsters of his mind.

-

Bad folds the note in half and places it besides him.

He takes his shotgun and presses the muzzle gently to the roof of his mouth. His hands tremble slightly before steadying as his finger hovers over the trigger.

Bad is happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can choose to interpret this as the end or read the next chapter for a happier ending.


	2. Bad isn’t happy (and that’s ok, he will be eventually)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the happier more hopeful ending in which Bad puts the gun down. Please if you’re like this call a friend or a therapist. And if need be there’s always the prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255.

He stares at his gun. He holds it in his hands and loads a single bullet. He lifts it up to the roof of his mouth and stops, his phone heavy in his pocket.

He’s selfish. So selfish as he holds the phone in his hand trembling. He ignores the many missed calls and dials a familiar number. 

“Bad! I’m so glad you called! I missed you so much!” Skeppy answers, voice full of relief.

“Hey Skeppy,” Bad whispers softly, he should just hang up.

“Where have you gone? I’ve been calling you for days. I’ve messaged you on everything and asked everyone I could and nobodies seen you. I was so worried something happened.” Skeppy babbles worriedly.

Bad is silent he breathes heavily into the phone trying to hold it all back. He loves this man so much he hates how worried Skeppy sounds. He hates to be a burden.

“Bad?” He says worry clearly in his voice.

“I can’t do it anymore” words come out even though he tries to stop them.

“Can’t do what?”

“Any of it”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t wanna be this anymore. I can't be this anymore. I can’t keep being happy Skeppy,”

“Bad what are you talking about?”

“I’m using all my viewers. I'm using you! I make them feel like I actually care for them but I really can't. I'm just a guy on the internet, just a person I’ve never met yet they depend on me to make them happy. Me, who's just as sad and lonely as the rest of them. How can I make them happy? Why do they look up to me- I-I can’t do it anymore Skeppy.” Bad’s voice trembles “I just can’t”

“Bad you’re the most caring person I’ve ever met. You’re always there for me no matter what”

“I'M NOT, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not, Iimnotimnotimnotimnot” Bad repeats frantically “You only see what I want you to see. How can you say anything about me! How can you pretend you actually know me? How can you actually care for me? You never met me in real life! All you see of me is the persona I present!”

“Bad no-“

“NO SKEPPY! I am trash absolute trash why can’t you see that? I’m just” Bad flounders “I’m just, I’m just me I’m just horrible. Everything, everything I do, none of it is truly me. I don’t even know what really is anymore. All I am is a persona just fake.”

Skeppy is quiet as he listens to Bad’s heaving breaths through the microphone. He tries to find the words to say but comes up empty.

Skeppy whispers “I know you, you’re my best friend”

“Please Skeppy stop it. Please stop lying” Bad’s voice trembles.

“I'm not-“

“YOU ARE! Stop lying please please just stop it!” Bad screams voice shrill with emotion.

Skeppy’s mind races. He needed to say something, anything.

Skeppy breathes deeply

“You’re favorite food is muffins, you’re a competitive shooter, you’re incredibly caring, you put up with me even with all the dumb trolls and pranks and-“ Skeppy pauses for a second “and you’re my best friend and I love you more than anything in the world”

Bad can’t take it anymore. He breaks down. His breaths turn into wails and tears stain his cheeks as he hugs his phone to his check. 

“Bad, Bad I’m here I’m here” Skeppy cradling the phone to his ear he hates this so fucking much. He just wants to hug his best friend. He wants him to know he isn’t alone yet they’re separated by hundreds of miles.

“Skeppy I don’t know who I am anymore.” Bad gasps through tears “I don’t want to be this persona. I want to be me but I don’t even know who I am anymore. The person you talked about I don’t know if they’re me or if they’re the persona. Skeppy, Skeppy, I don’t know, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You’re my best friend, Bad” Skeppy’s states “you’re my best friend in the whole entire world and don’t you ever fucking forget it.”

“How can you be best friends with a fake?” Bad whispers “the happy person you know, it’s a lie. I’m sad, just a sad and empty shell of a person when I’m not the persona.”

“Bad I love you. I love you even if you're sad. And I’m never going to leave you. Okay bad?”

“You promise Geppy? You promise? Truly promise?”

“Bad I love you I love you so much please please don’t go” Skeppy’s breath hitches “please whatever you’re thinking about stop it I’m here, I’m here I care about you!”

“I love you too.” Bad whispers.

“Please Bad I'm coming to get you. I bought a plane ticket. You won't be alone anymore. I'll be there soon. Please stop doing whatever you were doing. I'm on my way” Skeppy said hurriedly, rapidly tapping his phone picking the fastest flight to Bad’s ignoring the cost. 

“Ok, Geppy”

“I’m going to stay on the phone with you now ok Bad? How about I tell you a story?”

“That’d be nice” Bad whispers, laying the shotgun by his side.

“Ok, ok once upon a time there were two little duckies named Bad and Skeppy. Now Skeppy was a very handsome duckie. He was also very strong and was never ever wrong.” Bad let out a quiet snort hearing Skeppy’s proud proclamation.

“Shhhh I’m telling a story! Ok so Bad had accidentally eaten a batch of very very bad muffins poisoned by a witch. So Skeppy had to look for the magic cure to free Bad from the muffin curse…”

Bad closes his eyes and lays down on his mattress listening to Skeppy’s ramblings. Tears trickle down Bad’s cheeks as he breaths letting Skeppy’s story fill his thoughts. He smiles softly as Skeppy let out a wild cackle in demonstration of the evil with’s laugh. His tears were no longer ones of despair but instead thankfulness to be loved by somebody so much.

Bad isn’t happy and that’s ok. He will be soon.

**Author's Note:**

> You can choose to interpret this as the end or read the next chapter for a happier ending.


End file.
